Between Two Lives
by poisonnwine
Summary: "She doesn't look at him. Her puffy, dazed eyes stay pasted on the floor; pasted on the world without him. All she can picture is the dire future ahead of her, one that doesn't involve him. How could she ever face that future? Why would she ever want to be a part of that future?" Oneshot. SpencerToby.


;

"You can't go!" she shouts at him, rushing at him. She clings to his jacket, pulling him back towards her. She keeps shaking her head, as if that will change anything. As if that will give him a reason to stay. It's all she _can _do. It's the only movement she can make; the only message she can send through her wrenching sobs. "You can't," she cries out, her legs breaking beneath her, sending her into him.

He catches her easily, bringing his arms around her gradually. He cradles her head in his hands, tucking her face into his neck. He runs his fingers through her hair, knowing she loves that. Knowing that it's always something that calms her down. Although in this moment, he just has a feeling that it won't do the trick. It's not enough. It's not nearly enough to bring her to serenity.

He continues trying to comfort her, rubbing her back and stroking her and kissing the sides of her head. She keeps crying. A consistent, never bending cry that burns his earlobes. There's nothing he can say to make it better; nothing he can do.

"Spencer," he whispers.

She shakes her head against him, her hands clawing at his back, wanting to be as close as they possibly can to his heart.

"Spencer," he repeats.

"No, Toby!" she jerks back suddenly. "No! There's nothing you can say to make this better. There isn't anything you can do. So, just _stop," _she demands weakly. "Please just _stop_…" the wistful words hardly make it out of her mouth.

"Spencer—," he begins.

"No!" she nearly screams at him. Her voice is so hoarse. So dry and parched from crying. "No, don't. Don't go. Please don't go, Toby," she begs. "Don't go," she repeats. She sobs into her hands, repeating the mantra. "Don't go, don't go, don't go, don't go." _Like a broken record. _

She is broken. He has broken her once again.

But broken things are still fixable.

"Spencer," he grabs her hands away from her face. She doesn't look at him. Her puffy, dazed eyes stay pasted on the floor; pasted on the world without him. All she can picture is the dire future ahead of her, one that doesn't involve him. How could she ever face that future? Why would she ever want to be a part of that future?

"I don't have a lot of time," he tells her.

She shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut, refusing to believe this.

She brings her hands to his face. "_No_. We…we're supposed to have more time. We're just… _teenagers. _It's not supposed to be like this, Toby," she miserably states.

"I know," he agrees numbly, frowning.

"We were…we were supposed to get out of this town together…" she swallows. "Maybe eventually move to New York, and live in some one bedroom apartment together… _get married, _God damn it."

A single tear slips from the corner of his eye as she paints their ruined future together. "I know," he breaks out in a dull whisper. "But you know that it can't happen. I can't stay."

She looks up at him miserably. All the pain she has felt before this moment is nothing compared to the melancholy she is feeling now. "Then let me come with you!" she desperately tries.

"Spencer," he says her name so sadly it somehow manages to put another crack in her already shattered heart. "_You can't_."

"Why not! I don't want to be here. Not without you," silent tears pile down her face.

"You _can't,_" he repeats the phrase.

"Why!" she demands.

"Your friends need you, Spencer," he whispers painfully.

"Well, what about me? What about what I need!?" she is sobbing again. A horrible, earth shattering sound branches from her throat. "I need _you. _I can't do this without you."

He frowns. "Yes, you can."

She shakes her head weakly. "No, Toby," her words are drenched with tears and suffering. "No, I can't…" she beckons. She holds his face so forcefully that it almost hurts him.

"Spencer, you _can. _You have your friends. They'll get you through it."

She just keeps shaking her head, refusing to take anything he has to say to heart. He has _no idea _what his absence does to her. He thinks so highly of her. He thinks she is as strong as him—stronger. He thinks she can survive anything, but it is he who makes her strong. Because of him she can endure all this pain. Toby is the only reason she has survived.

"No, Toby…you, you don't get it…" she beckons, looking away.

She can't say goodbye. How can you ever even begin to say goodbye to the person whom you are constantly missing? Two weeks without Toby seems impossible. How could she _ever _survive a whole entire lifetime without him?

"I want to come with you. You can't stop me," she threatens, darting her broken, auburn eyes up at him. "You _can't._"

"No, Spencer. You're not doing this!" he fights back. "You're not coming with me."

Her whole entire face crinkles up at his words. "W—won't you—," she chokes up on her words. "Won't you miss me? Don't you _want _me?" she inquires desperately.

"Of course I will," he whispers in heart break. His hands frame around her face like many times before. But this time it feels different. It feels fleeting. "God, Spencer, I love you."

"Then why can't I come with you?" she asks childishly.

"Because you don't have to," he replies simply. "Because you _can _stay."

"But…I don't want to. I want to be done. I can't do it anymore…"

"Spencer," he sounds pleading. "Please don't say that."

"Why?" she demands. "Wherever you're going… it has to be better. I know it has to be. Because you'll be there."

"Spencer," he shakes his head. "You need to go back."

"But…I love you."

And for a second, that seems like enough. It seems like a good enough reason for Spencer to leave her old life behind, and come with him instead. It's the only thing that she has said that has made his position in the argument slightly alter. It is the only thing that almost breaks him.

But it doesn't.

"And I love you," he nods, tears rushing down his face. "Which is exactly why I can't let you come with me."

"Toby…" she whimpers. "I—I—," her words trail off to nothing. They are both crying now. Both sobbing into each other; both clinging to each other with all the strength they can muster. But both of them are weak. The longer they remain in this spot, the weaker they become. But it's a different weak…

"You're going to do great things, Spencer," he murmurs into her hair. "You're going to be brilliant."

She just shakes her head against him. _No._

"You will," he presses. "You are already so amazing. You've already grown so much…" he whispers.

"I'm going to miss you, _so much_," she trembles with sobs. Her entire body shakes against him. Her whole entire body breaking beneath his touch.

"Promise me that one day you won't."

"_What_?" she snaps her head up at him. It's at a horrible angle. Her neck is angled horrifically. If she stays in that position for long, she would definitely get a neck ache. But she refuses to let any space divide them. She's not ready to let him go. She never will be. She'll stay with him until she's pried away.

"Promise me," he begins softly. "That one day, you'll stop missing me."

"I can't—Toby, I can't."

"Then promise me that you'll move on."

"_What_?"

"I'm not necessarily talking about relationships, or anything. I'm not telling you that you _need_ to find someone. You _can. _As much as that hurts to say, I hope you do find someone. But that's not what I mean, not really. I just mean in general… Just promise me that you'll find a way to move on."

"How could I ever do that?" she whispers.

"Find a way," he pleads. "Please Spencer. Promise me."

She blinks back some tears. "Okay…" she nods. "I'll try. But I'm never going to forget you. I'm never going to stop _loving _you. Ever."

A bitter sweet smile spreads out on his face.

A moment passes.

"Spencer…I—I think it's time."

"I know."

;

She opens her eyes. She's in a hospital room. Emily, Aria, Hanna and her parents are all here. Aria's the first one to notice that she's awake. She does a double take before rushing to her side and grasping her shoulders. She squeezes them tightly. "Spencer," she gasps slightly, a smile making its way on her face.

Aria's lip is completely busted. She wonders briefly what happened. But then she is being surrounded by more of her loved ones, and the thought seems to just flush away. Hanna and Emily have blood all over their clothes. She wonders what happened. She wonders if it is indeed _her _blood.

"Spencer," a tear falls from her mother's eye. "Spencer, God, we weren't sure if you'd…" her sentence breaks off into nothing. Her mother wraps her arms around her child in a rapture of joy and relief. Spencer just stays motionless; only blinking in response.

Next her father delivers some chopped up, awkward speech about how she had terrified him.

Then Hanna and Emily step in and attempt to comfort her.

It doesn't work.

She remains still. She doesn't respond to any of their questions or comments. She just stays silent and still.

No one says anything about Toby.

;

The next day comes, and Spencer manages to nod at her friend's and family's and doctors questions. She nods when they ask her if she remembers, and nods to all of the other queries they throw at her. Even when she doesn't understand a single thing that is coming out of one of their mouths, she nods.

;

Eventually they think she's strong enough to be handling the news of her boyfriend's decease. Her friends are the ones that tell her. _Of course. _Her parents have never been good at bearing news like this. They have never been good at consoling.

Emily is the one that says it. She kind of feels bad for Emily. Spencer had landed herself in a mental hospital over Toby's "_death_" at one point. Of course, it had been a mix of other things, which Emily understands. But still, that had been the breaking point for her. It had pushed her off the edge. If Spencer was in Emily's position, she definitely would be fearful of her friend's reaction.

"Toby…he didn't…he didn't make it, Spence. I'm _so _sorry."

She breaks out into a groundbreaking sob at the delivery of the news.

But the thing is, she already knew. She already knew he was dead. She knew the second she opened her eyes.

Spencer doesn't believe in afterlife. She believes that when you die, you enter an unknown world. You're no longer self aware in the afterlife. You no longer know who you are; what you are. You no longer _know _of your existence. You just are there, _unaware. _Wherever that _where _may be.

But where had she been with Toby? It couldn't have been a dream. It was like they were in between life and death.

It couldn't have been a dream. Dreams don't feel that _real. _

In near death experiences, scientists have said that the brain lets off different hormones and chemicals to create a calming sensation, sometimes a hallucination. Usually these hallucinations are of your earlier, dead ancestors greeting you, or entering "heaven." But she knew Toby was dying. How could she know that?

It doesn't make sense. It was too real to be a dream, but too surreal to be real. Usually near death experience hallucinations are comforting. They are _supposed _to be comforting. What happened with Toby…it most definitely was not.

;

"What do you think happens when you die?" Spencer asks her best friend two weeks after her release from the hospital. Three and a half weeks since Toby's release from the cruel planet.

Emily looks over to her, frowning. Spencer hasn't said much about Toby. She mostly just stays to herself, staring into nothing and occasionally breaking out into an agonizing sob. "Well, my parents are religious," she puts forth. "So, you know, they've always told me the generic afterlife theory."

"But what do _you _think?" Spencer inquires.

She shrugs. "Sometimes I believe in heaven…" she sounds unsure. "And hell," she adds almost as an afterthought. "I think that you go _somewhere," _she states, this time more sure of herself. "I don't think you just stop _being._"

Spencer ponders over this for a moment. A thoughtful expression washes the ache and grief from the brunette's face. It only lasts a second though. Soon she is grimacing again; her auburn eyes hollow.

"At least that's what I have to hope for," Emily admits softly.

"I don't know what I believe in," the words are barren of any emotion. "I thought I did. But…" her voice trails.

A moment passes.

"But what?"

"You're going to think I'm crazy."

"Try me," Emily tempts.

Spencer sucks in a breath. "I—when I was in my coma—I," she stops. Saying the words aloud just makes the whole thing sound crazier. Emily definitely will think she is insane. She'll probably be so worried that she'll tell Aria and Hanna, and then maybe even possibly her parents.

"What?" Emily urges.

"Toby…his time of death… it was…" she swallows the hard, round lump in her throat.

"It was right around the time you woke up…" Emily provides the words sadly.

"Yeah," Spencer breathes. She blinks away her tears. "Um… this… this sounds insane."

"I won't judge," Emily promises, setting a hand on her friend's knee. Spencer tries to smile, but her lips hardly rise. She hasn't been able to smile since she woke up.

"I think…somehow…I—I _talked_ to Toby…" she states.

Emily's forehead gathers with worry wrinkles.

"It…it felt too real to be a dream. And…and they say when you're close to death, your brain releases chemicals to form soothing hallucinations. But… but it _wasn't _soothing. It was…it was my goodbye to Toby." Spencer is afraid to look up at her friend.

"And…and I knew before I woke that he was dead. I knew that he was going to die…" her words break under the cracking of her voice. "It wasn't just a feeling, either. I _knew._ The second I woke up…" she gets so lost in the memory that she almost forgets Emily.

"That's—that's… wow," Emily stammers.

Spencer nods slowly. "Yeah… I know. I know it's insane, but it just felt so…real. But… how?" she questions aloud. She isn't expecting Emily to deliver her answer. She isn't really expecting anyone to give her an answer. How could you answer such a out of this world question?

Emily just shakes her head, completely clueless.

"Some things are just…unexplainable," Emily deems.

Spencer sighs. "I guess you're right."

;

It feels like a memory. She still remembers everything about it with vivid detail. She still remembers small things that she would have never picked up in a dream. She remembers the color of his shirt, and the way his hair was sticking up in every direction. She remembers the tone of his voice when he told her that he was going to die. She remembers the exact wording.

_I'm going to die. I don't know how I know, but I just do._

They had fought for what it felt like hours. It possibly could have been. Spencer had been in a coma for a little over ten hours.

She fought with him for hours, but she knew he was right. She knew he was going to die too.

His heart beat was dangerously slow. Only getting slower the longer they spent in there, while her's was increasing back to normalcy.

She remembers the goodbye in the in between more clearly than she remembers the night that led them there.

She is certain now that it was real. It had to be. How could it be anything but real? Somehow they got a goodbye. Somehow the rules on the universe had been bended for them that night. She isn't sure why or how it happened, but she is grateful. If she hadn't gotten that goodbye, she never would have made it. She wouldn't have woken up. It was Toby who pushed her to stay alive. It was Toby that made her want to live.

Sometimes she wishes that she would have died with him though. When things get really bad, and she dearly misses him, she wishes that he had let her come with him to the place beyond. But most times, she is thankful. She has finally learned how to enjoy life.

She has a family now; two sons and a husband. She loves them very extensively, but she knows parts of her heart will forever be with Toby. She'll never get those parts back from him. He'll always be with her. No matter how much time passes, her heart will always be with him. She'll never be able to take back her love from him.

* * *

_**a/n: **somethings wrong with me, I don't even know. Some of this doesn't even make sense? I'm not sure... ? I-it just came in my head, and I couldn't NOT write it. I'm a horrible person. This is horrible. Um? I didn't say what happened to them exactly... but idk use your imagination? I just couldn't find a place to put it. And it's not really about that... it's more about... what happened in the beginning ? / emotions_

_anyway... it was really nonsensical idek? but leave a review ? :)_


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